I Act Like I Hear You: The Hidden Toll of Trying

Sometimes, I nod when I didn’t really understand.

I laugh when others laugh, even if I didn’t catch the joke.

I rehearse responses in my head because I’m not sure if I really heard you right.

I act like I’m hearing more than I am.

This isn’t lying. It’s survival.

In psychology, it’s called auditory-verbal masking or effortful socialization- a term used to describe what many deaf and hard-of-hearing people do to fit into the hearing world, especially those of us with cochlear implants or hearing aids. It means mimicking behaviors of hearing individuals responding quickly, maintaining eye contact, laughing at the right times even when you’re exhausted, even when you’re lost.

We do it to pass.

To avoid being left out.

To not be the “inconvenient” one in the group.

But there’s a cost.

💢 The Psychology Behind the Mask

In social and cognitive psychology, this behavior mirrors autistic masking and code-switching in marginalized communities. You suppress parts of your natural self  - your confusion, your fatigue, your need for clarification in order to appear more acceptable, more “normal.”

It causes:

• Chronic cognitive load (because you’re always alert, decoding, and filtering),

• Social anxiety (the fear of “getting caught” not hearing something),

• Identity confusion (am I hearing? am I deaf? who am I when I’m masking?),

• Burnout and isolation, even when surrounded by people.

And worst of all, it’s invisible. Most people don’t notice it.

They think we’re fine, because we’re “managing.”

But inside, we’re often drowning. 

 

🎭 Masking Is Not the Same as Belonging

There’s a difference between inclusion and performance.

When you’re constantly performing just to keep up, you’re not truly included.

You're tolerated, not understood.

Some of us wear the mask so well, we forget we're wearing one.

Until we come home and collapse.

Until we realize we haven’t been truly ourselves in days.

🧠 So What Can Change?

• Recognize that auditory access is not the same as understanding.

• Normalize asking twice. Repeating doesn't mean someone wasn't paying attention, it means the system wasn't built for them.

• Understand that effortful listening is real cognitive work and it’s exhausting.

• Build environments where people can say “I didn’t catch that” without shame.

❤️ To My Fellow Deaf/HoH Friends

If you’ve ever masked your deafness to fit in, you are not alone.

If you’ve ever felt the burn of pretending to belong, I see you.

This mask is heavy.

You don’t have to wear it forever.

Being deaf doesn’t mean you need to disappear.

You don’t owe the world an illusion.

You deserve spaces where your true self is enough.